By Adi Rotem
Throughout my career, I participated in some of the most sensitive negotiations imaginable. Some involved hostage situations. Others unfolded during national crises, under intense public pressure and severe uncertainty.
People often assume that successful negotiators possess exceptional persuasion skills. They imagine negotiation as a contest of arguments, influence, or tactical brilliance.
In reality, the most common reason negotiations fail has very little to do with persuasion. The most dangerous mistake leaders make is entering a negotiation before truly understanding the interests of the other side.
This may sound obvious. Yet it happens every day – in boardrooms, government offices, international diplomacy, labor disputes, and commercial transactions. Leaders often become so focused on their own objectives that they stop asking a simple question:
“What problem is the other side actually trying to solve?”
Instead, they focus on positions.
A position is what someone says they want.
An interest is why they want it.
The distinction is critical.
Two parties may appear completely stuck because their positions are incompatible. Yet once the underlying interests become clear, entirely new solutions often emerge.
I have seen negotiations that appeared hopeless suddenly move forward – not because anyone changed their demands, but because someone finally understood the interests driving those demands.
The challenge is that interests are rarely visible. People do not always reveal them. Sometimes they do not even fully understand them themselves.
Fear, pride, status, organizational politics, public perception, ideology, and personal identity can all influence decision-making. Frequently, these factors are more powerful than the financial or practical issues being discussed.
This is why listening is often more valuable than speaking.
In high-pressure environments, leaders tend to communicate more and listen less. They prepare arguments, presentations, and counterarguments. They seek to convince.
But the strongest negotiators I have encountered spend a surprising amount of time gathering information.
They ask questions.
They observe.
They test assumptions.
They search for motivations that may not be immediately obvious.
In many cases, the most important information in a negotiation is not what is being said. It is what is being avoided.
Silence can reveal concerns.
Delays can reveal hesitation.
Resistance can reveal fear.
A skilled negotiator learns to pay attention not only to words, but to behavior. This principle extends far beyond formal negotiations.
Organizations negotiate every day.
A CEO negotiating with employees.
A sales executive negotiating with a client.
A startup founder negotiating with investors.
A government negotiating with citizens.
In each case, the same principle applies: understanding interests creates options. Ignoring interests creates friction.
One of the frameworks I often discuss is what I call the Trust-Interests-Price model. Many people instinctively focus on price first. They assume that value, compensation, or resources are the central issue. Yet in practice, negotiations usually begin elsewhere.
Trust comes first.
Without trust, information remains hidden.
Without information, interests remain unclear.
Without understanding interests, discussions quickly become positional and adversarial.
Only after trust and interests are sufficiently understood does price become a productive conversation. Leaders who reverse this order often find themselves negotiating harder while achieving less. The irony is that modern leadership environments make this challenge even more difficult.
We live in an era of accelerating information, shrinking attention spans, constant media pressure, and increasing polarization. Decision-makers are expected to move quickly. Yet meaningful understanding requires time.
The temptation to jump directly to solutions has never been greater. Unfortunately, neither has the cost of doing so.
The leaders who consistently succeed in complex environments are not necessarily the most charismatic, persuasive, or aggressive. They are often the most curious. They remain willing to challenge their assumptions. They seek to understand before they seek to influence. They recognize that every negotiation contains information below the surface. And they understand a lesson I learned repeatedly throughout my career:
People rarely fight over what they say they want. They fight over what they believe they need.
The sooner we understand that difference, the more likely we are to find a path forward.